All the news you need - Even if we have to make it up! Volume 2 Number 1 - November 31, 2005
new planet discovered
Scientist Stevenson Scientists at the University of Walmart announced this morning the discovery of what appears to be our solar system's tenth planet. Located just a few miles from Pluto, this sneaky planet appears to have been hiding behind its neighbor whenever someone tried to observe it.
The international scientific community acknowledges that they have known about this planet for a long time, but were withholding news of the discovery because they were unable to determine the planet's name. Until today, no one had been able to get a long enough look at it to figure out what its name was.
Using an enormous array of inexpensive Chinese telescopes, the group of discount scientists was able to sneak an extended peek at the mysterious planet from their observatory atop Mt. Pilot, just outside the sleepy village of Mayberry. Because the telescopes all have slightly mis-aligned optics, they are able to see in a curved path, around Pluto, and get a clear view of the shy new planet.
planet kaufman Lead researcher, Dr. Steven "Steve" Stevenson's celestial research has revealed that the planet is named "Kaufman," after its sole occupant, a Mr. Howard Kaufman. Efforts to communicate with Mr. Kaufman have so far been unsuccessful, so little is known of the actual details of life on the surface. The planet is about 1,180 kilometers in diameter, and appears to consist mostly of rock, with some small areas of shrubbery and a nice lawn near the equator. It has at least one moon, which qualifies it for the title of planet, and this moon appears to rotate around Kaufman once every two or three years.
According to Stevenson, when Mr. Kaufman realized that he was being observed, he shook his fist at the telescopes, and went into his house. "We are now focusing our efforts on trying to get Mr. Kaufman to come out and talk to us," said Stevenson. "Using our most powerful radio telescopes, we are going to blast loud, annoying disco music at Kaufman until he comes back out."
The new planet was unavailable for comment.

Ask Bobo
Dear Bobo,
My boyfriend claims that it's illegal to downshift in New Jersey. I say that tangerines come from mines in Bolivia. Who's right?
Love, Elanor K.
Elanor,
You're both insane. Tangerines are illegal in New Jersey, and your boyfriend (if in fact that's his real name) has never even been to Bolivia.
continued on page 7
paris and steve
paris discovers new beau
December 7, 2005 - While searching for a reasonably-priced sound card at the monthly Nashua, New Hampshire, computer swap meet, international professional celebrity Paris Hilton instead found the new love of her life. Stevros "Steve" Stevenopolis, billionaire son of shipping magnate Aristotle "Steve" Stevenopolis, is a noted computer visionary and was at the meet promoting his new pc-cleaning software, PowerDynamoo with Scrubbing Bubbles. Paris was instantly drawn in by his braininess and crudely suave demeanor.
Stevenopolis, 35, produces hard-to-use, memory-hogging software development tools, as well as a line of frozen kosher appetizers made from kangaroo meat and iron filings.
"Nerds are hot," said Miss Hilton, famous for being famous for no comprehensible reason. "Stevros is the man I've been looking for all my life. Of all the Steves I've ever met, this one is the Steviest." She went on to explain that she likes the name "Steve" and people who are named Steve, as well as all stevedores, anyone who is even-steven, or anyone who is in any way affiliated with anything steve-like. "Steves are hot," she quipped.
Meanwhile, former boyfriend Stevros Niarchos III, who recently dumped Paris in an attempt to reunite with former flame Mary-Kate "Ashley" Olsen, is now having second thoughts, and appears to be insanely jealous. He was quoted as saying, "I don't know where this New Hampshire is, but I will find Stevenopolis, and I will kill him - with deadly force, if necessary."
blues legend dies
Adam "Blind Pickle" Feinstein, blues singer and harmonica wizard, was found dead yesterday on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, in New York City. Paramedics on the scene stated that he appeared to have died of natural causes, but parapsychics, also on the scene, were not so sure. Despite almost 70 years as a blues star, Feinstein, 87, was largely unknown to the public or to music industry insiders. He does not appear to have made any recordings of his unique blend of Delta, Chicago and Schenectady Blues.
feinstein plays harp Benjamin Von Tiptoe, President pro tem of the North American Dried Flower Arrangers and Record Producers association (NADFARP) stated that Feinstein was a regular feature at annual NADFARP pancake suppers for the past thirty-ought years. "He was a musical staple, year after year," stated Von Tiptoe, "though I can't actually recall ever hearing him play."
Feinstein played a customized Hohner Super Chromonica harmonica, emblazoned with his family crest - a tiny fez-wearing monkey perched on a disembodied thumb. He is survived by a womanizing older brother, a busybody aunt, a wacky drunken grandfather and 48 cats.
Speaking from the grave, Feinstein said "People always mistook me for a white man. I don't think this helped my ferlushinger career as a blues legend. Maybe now that I'm dead, people will recognize me for what I really was." He did not specifically indicate what that might be.

Local man missing
Mrs. Lenore Kaufman, of Potrezebie Falls, reported Tuesday that her husband, Howard, has been missing for the past six years. He left the house on the night of Thurdsay, December 6, 1999, after what Mrs. Kaufman called "a game of whist gone horribly wrong."
Neighbors report hearing regular shouting and squealing from the Kaufman house, and were not surprised at this latest development. "I thought it had been awfully quiet over there for the last few years," said a neighbor, "and I was thinking of going over there to check sometime in the next few years."
the kaufmans Mrs. Kaufman noted that her husband often took long strolls after dinner, so she was not overly concerned when he didn't return right away. "After a few years," she told The Spool, "I simply forgot that he had left."
Sources who were hiding in the barn at the time report that his last words as he walked out the door were, "This eight-planet solar system, as we currently understand it to be, is not big enough for the both of us!"
 

 
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