The Mighty Fezeem & The Mightier Ex-Fezeem

Big Jim McDeely - The Not-Yet-Former Fezly Manager
That's Jim in the blue shirt (or blue overalls if you're able to read and mouseover at the same time). His son Sparky Jr. is the brains of this operation, while Mr. McDeely, or Mc as we call him, stays busy chasing the roosters around his server farm and teaching his talking horses to be more discreet. As manager of the Fezeem, ol' Mc needs to know a little bit about all of the complex and arcane processes we deal with every day. We try to make sure that he knows as little as possible. Jim's a little stressed out these days, as the people he's accountable to are even more insane than the people who work for him. His hobbies include cow tipping, water tower tipping, and walking on hot coals. He's a native of Wickatunk, NJ, home of the famous Saint Louis Arch.

Dr. S. Pelican - Sr. Web Deconstruction Engineer
Dazzled by the dot-com fever, Dr. Pelican left home a year ago, following a path of shattered dreams and broken hearts. But he's come back - a little bit wiser and a whole lot meaner!
Born in the log cabin he helped his father build, the good professor has dedicated his life to assisting the aesthetically challenged webophytes of Corporate America, armed only with a martini and a number 5 HB mechanical pencil. Drawing on his extensive knowledge of pre-medieval Welsh poetry, Señor Pelicano has redefined dynamic content entry, so that it now means something else. He hails from Ho-Ho-Kus, NJ, where everyone knows the 'S' stands for 'Sweet'.

Pikachu Wenwenkowski - Web Applications Queen
This gal is a dreamer - and a visionary. As a child, she would wander among the dunes, imagining a distributed operation model that would define how data could be referenced. She would sit for hours gazing at the sea, searching for a better network protocol for accessing information from directories.
"But Wenwenkowski," her playmates would ask her, "will it be extensible?"
At tea time, her mother would scold her for arranging the crumbs of her scone into namespaces. Nevertheless she persisted, and soon little Pikachu had invented the first lightweight directory access protocol. Realizing she was on to something big, she hopped on her pony (coincidentally, her pony's name was Epstein) and galloped out to Emeryville, all the way from her native village of Manahawkin, NJ.

Enzyme Boy - Staff Web Applications Fruithead
Aside from a morbid fascination with enzymes (he is convinced that enzymes are what make the internet work) eBoy is an affable but ephemeral member of the team. He does have a rather unusual diet, consuming only the leafy green tops of rutabagas grown near the equator and picked by Carmelite nuns on moonless nights. If you have any, please send them on. When he's not standing sideways, you can find him (and his constant companion, Mr. Deer) gazing out the windows of his palatial office, monitoring the raccoon traffic in the shrubbery. The pagan vegan hails from Weehawken, NJ.

Howard Johnson - Senior Web Applications Enforcer
A man of many dimensions (three at last count), Howard has garnered a reputation as a ruthless Web Enforcer, a power broker who will tolerate no faults in his pursuit of fault tolerance. Yet beneath that false beard lies the gentle soul of a poet. A bad poet, but this is I.T. and we hardly know the difference. When not raking vendors over the coals, Howard sings in an all-penguins choir and recites his poetry at local cafes - he has probably already been banned from one in your neighborhood. He wishes he came from Wyckoff, NJ, because it rhymes with his real name.

Marcus "The Eggman" Fibbonaci - Web Wisenheimer Engineer
Just the mention of his name evokes a warm feeling of nostalgia in the hearts of millions who recall Marcus' thrilling renditions of popular ballads and his outgoing personality and infectious laughter. An untiring patriot, the Eggman has been honored by every President from Roosevelt, who called him an "American treasure", to Reagan, who gave him the highest civilian award in the nation, the Federal Wheel of Cheese. He has been called the First Lady of Song by veterinarians everywhere. Marcus is the very embodiment of the American spirit and an inspiration to millions everywhere. His unix skills transcend a half century, all the way from vaudeville to Worcester. As a true pioneer in both bars and taverns, his importance as a Fezeem icon is unsurpassed in the annals of broadcasting history. He is undeniably an American original, and a tribute to his hometown of Cinnaminson, NJ.

Young Goodman Feiblestein - Sr Programmer/Nerd 1
Goodman Steve, oddly enough, is the first fully bioluminescent member of the Web Infrastructure Team, and as such has been lighting the way to a new and brighter future. The first step of his nine part program to futurize the Fezeem involved moving to Concord, Massachusetts, historical home of Louisa May Alcott and site of the famous Battle of Lex Luthor and Concord, in which Margaret Mitchell and a small army of Canadians defeated Margaret Mead, who has declined to comment. But that's another story. Steve is also one of the most wireless members of our team and is dedicated to full mobile data access for the entire animal kingdom. He is tireless in his pursuit of wireless. He has a Swiss Army knife that runs Windows CE. He comes from Succasunna, NJ, though if you ask him he'll deny that and everything else that's printed here.

Renaud Renault - Silly Web Projects Manager 1
Renaud is our token Frenchman, and quite mad besides. Some people in our group occasionally mix up his name with Renato Ricosuave's, and he was once mistaken for a Renault Dauphine, but that was a long time ago. When not preserving lemons or engaging in bizarre zymurgic rituals, Renato (oops! I did it too!), whose Indian name is "Frolics With Sardines," likes nothing more than to bang on a tombuk and sing songs about love and e-business and things like that. He has seventeen children, all of them named Isabelle except for Thomas whose name is Thomas. He sure talks funny for a boy from Frenchtown, NJ. Perhaps it's because he spent much of his youth in ancient Mesopotamia, bent over a watermelon.

Toang Thaid - Web Applications Applicator I
The amazing Toang - Martian warlord, master of disguise, and Las Vegas singing sensation! At least, we think that's why he's never in the office. This year Mr. Thaid, who is nearly nine feet tall (when standing on his desk), took ownership of the Verity Search project, which he promptly lost somewhere in his cube - the place is now crawling with vspiders! Many other projects have landed on his floor, and in fact he has now built a miniature golf course out of discarded IT projects. He's been working on his putting skills and hopes to make waves at the LPGA Big Apple Classic. We're sure he will, as the only (declared) male in the competition. Oh, and did you know - he's from Hopatcong, NJ.



The Fezeem Hall of Fame
They are gone, but not quite yet forgotten...

Baba Ram Epstein - Official Team Mascot
If not for Dr. Baba, we would all be someplace else right now, and I don't know if that's good or bad but fez sales would certainly be down. Baba is the co-founder of Sybase and father of the whole sordid client-server SQL business. Yet despite being Mr. Super-Bigshot-SQLguy, he was always kindly towards us fezheads, and willing to humor us in our moments of madness. Never once has he raised his vengeful fists of fury against anyone in a fez, nor to our knowledge has he allowed any animals to be harmed in the development of any Sybase product (not including ASE 12.0 which was tested on a family of ring-tailed lemurs and resulted in the breakup of that family - but that was after Baba had left the company). Originally from Scobeyville, NJ, he came to Berkeley, land of the free and home of the weird, and found fame and fortune in the glamorous world of Transact-SQL. Then he found us, and shortly afterwards, he retired.

Pookie LaRue - Sr Director, Info Technology
Neither dead nor retired, Mr. Big, for reasons unknown and unfathomable, has left the Fezeem helm to become the King of All GIT...

Spin doctor, flak-catcher, project planner, metric-measuring maniac, and former data model, "Father Mike," as he is fondly known to his staff, hails from Lake Wallenpaupack, NJ and raises bonsai, which he consumes voraciously. When viewed from a distance he appears to be only one inch tall, but appearances can be deceptive.


Diana Banana - Former Manager, Web Infrastructure Team
In her 27th years with Sybase (she started when she was six), Web Goddess Diana "The Canary" [Last Name Withheld] has pioneered parameter-driven cross-functional value-added technology enablement by synthesizing disparite initiatives to dearchitect manual entry and duplicitous processes and data. She is also the company's most highly decorated dessert chef, and makes the finest tamales (and a passable chili) this side of Hayward. In her spare time she teaches dogs how to do differential equations. Ms. Canary hails from Hackensack, NJ, but was born and raised somewhere else.
Diana now weaves baskets for the Reverend Moon.

Raymond Chendler - Business Operations Analyst & Fool
Ray's job here in the land of web infrastructure was to create surveys, compile bewildering metrics and make bizarre and elaborate conclusions based on them. He would then secretly report to his dad, the CEO, and thousands of people's lives would be suddenly thrown into disarray (even more disarray than usual). He is also said to be an accomplished sushi chef, though we have no empirical evidence of this. He comes to us from Piscataway, NJ, where it frequently hails.
Ray is young, and some would call him a dreamer. He thought the grass was greener on the other side, the R&A side. Ah, what a fool he's been! But there's no turning back once you turn your back on your beloved companions.

Jonas Hedgeworthy - Web Fire Chief, Dolt
Jonas "Edgy" Hedgeworth came to us as a student intern, and having completed his studies he has decided to give up the priesthood and remain here pounding tequila and bringing down production servers with the rest of us fezzed webheads. Jonas is an avid sportsman, and once killed a guy for lookin' at him funny. He enjoys grepping as much as the next fellow, and likes to sniff dry-erase markers.
Edgy Hedgeworth is our resident expert on everything that no one else wants to do, which means he knows all about Powersoft products. He's also an accomplished caricaturist who can't say no to Jello. And were you wondering where he hails from? Beautiful Pluckemin, NJ of course!

Bennett Fork - Web Evangelista & Thundering Dunderhead
Comrades of SQL Grifter and former carny hack Bennett Fork know him to be adaptive, open, exensible and ready to replicate. Even his beard has been rematrixed for continuing backwards compatibility. As founder and chief benefactor of the Bonefrog Institiute, Dr. Fork's ongoing social experimentation has been the source of international consternation among Lutherans and Spirokeets alike. Bennett was born in the desert and raised in a lions den, but before that he came from Zarephath, NJ.

Ernesto Matefsky - Web Applications Ignoramus
Ernesto had planned on a career in the exciting field of beekeeping, but he kept seeing those you can be a Sybase Webmaster in just 8 weeks commercials that run during Jerry Springer and One Life to Live. Of course the commercials don't mention the hypnotism part, or the force feedings of cocktail onions, but he's been pretty happy here nonetheless. Ernesto is part of our exciting, dynamic East Coast team. He thinks this is good because he gets to leave three hours earlier than the rest of us. Don't burst his bubble. He was raised by a family of bobcats in deepest Manasquan, NJ.
Regrettably, Ernesto's witness protection cover was blown and he was forced to relocate to avoid the vengeful wrath of Web Marketing. We are not permitted to disclose any further information about him at this time.

Karen Carpetbag - Famous Author, Web Mistress
Karen came back to Sybase after a hiatus of several years. She didn't actually get to meet Betty Ford during her time off, but no matter. Karen lives in a fantasy world where things happen for logical, rational reasons, and everything is well documented. She has written several historical novels, the most recent entitled The Concatenation of General Lee. She also breeds subminiature poodles, some of them no bigger than your thumb. All this, and she's from Grovers Mills, NJ (where the Martians first landed on Earth).
Karen now spends all her time stalking Donny Osmond.
  • Be sure to visit Karen's own special web home, even though she's removed the cat pictures.

Michael McChoney - Senior Web Applications Squishhead
This big cheese began his acting career at the age of two, playing the irrepressible Bingo on the hit tv series What Exit? Now working off-off-Broadway in the long running Theatre of the Fibbonacci, he has taken on the role of Michael, the grumpy SQL hack with a heart of gold. Reviews have been mixed, and so are the drinks. When not purchasing CDs online, Michael puts on funny hats and waits for someone to call and ask about Prince Albert. Michael hies (which is similar to hailing) from Parsippany, NJ.
Having made his fortune in the dot-com world, Michael now controls all the world energy cartels from his secret headquarters in darkest Africa.

Kevington Formicalizzi - Giant Web Monster
Kevington was quite a terror as a child, but now that he's actual size things have calmed down a bit. Mr. Smartypants, as we call him, is master of all East Coast web operations, which requires immense technical prowess as well as great poise and diplomatic skill. Luckily, Renato has all these things, so Kevin can kick back and concentrate on his voice-activated home-study harmonica course. Kevlar's hobbies include alligator wrestling and fishin' down at the old data stream. There's nothing he loves more than a nice frosted tuna melt, becuase he's originally from Pequannock, NJ.
Last we heard, Kevington was digging a cave deep into Mt. Monadnock, where no cell phones can reach him.

Eric Meddler - Programmer / Idiot
Eric "Crash" Meddler, winner of the coveted Gilmer award for better customer service through Altoids, has been dancing his way into the hearts of programmers and analysts alike with his sensitive interpretations of perl scripts put to vintage swing tunes. Known to some as the "Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers of Application Development," his dance partners nonetheless wish he had a smaller footprint. In his spare time, Eric drinks kosher wine by the railroad tracks. He also produces a fine line of colognes for raccoons. Eric heidy-hoes from Hoboken, NJ.
Eric too, has fallen by the wayside. Done in by bad advice and cheap liquor, Eric has gone from one dead-end job to another. Basically his entire life has gone down the toilet, as you can see for yourself at his new home, www.portalpotty.net.

Renato Ricosuave - Web Applications Bungler
Did you ever wonder why we spell it "Brazil" when the people who live there (and you think they'd know best) spell it "Brasil?" Fortunately for you there's an IT team in Concord Mass. that does nothing but ponder this perplexing issue and gather the metrics required to solve it and other similarly puzzling global issues. Renato leads this noble effort and is committed to manipulating whatever data is necessary to substantiate his conclusions. Some of which are quite alarming. In his spare time Renato enjoys grooming capybaras, and he hails (wouldn't you know it) from Schooleys Mountain , NJ, where pretty much everyone speaks Portuguese.
Since being voted off the island, Renato has begun construction of the world's largest indoor soccer arena. Because it is larger than the world, he has had to move to another dimension.

Miguel Schwepper - Pretender to the Fezeem throne
Stripped of his title for committing lewd and lascivious acts while wearing a fez, Mr. Schwepper nonetheless continues to command a small but fiercely loyal cadre of web revolutionaries from his secret office deep in the jungles of Emeryville. He has spent the past year training a group of chimps in PowerSite, and is almost ready to mount a coup on www.sybase.com. The effervescent Schwepper hails from Secaucus, NJ, where he is still wanted for parole violations. In his spare time, he creates interpretive table joins with macrame.
Having left Sybase, Miguel now sits at home and drinks bottle after bottle of corn syrup.

Floralvan van Putty - Web Applications Engineer II / Dumbkopf
As a child, Floralvan was subject to some very unusual visions - frightening, terrible visions, yet curiously inspirational as well. Ultimately they drove him underwater, which is where he now works as the chief representative of the Euro-Aqua-WIT division. van Putty, or "van," or occasionally "Fokemon" as we like to call him, is the father of many exciting web applications, most of which were immediately banned by our corporate headquarters. He is also the inventor of the underwater fez, non-stick velcro, edible diskettes, and, along with Al Gore, the Internet. Born in the wilds of Waldwick, NJ, he took to the canals at an early age, and now resides somewhere off the coast of the Netherlands. To Floralvan, we say "U bent onwennig vis."
While driving sideways to England, Floralvan became lodged in the Chunnel, where he remains to this day.

Ben von Ben - Stone-Cold Web Infrastructure Pope
Ben, who calls himself Ben, is another Sybase veteran who discovered that life on the outside isn't all crumbcakes and tenpins. Ben even came back from his second sabbatical, which he spent searching the furthest reaches of the Cascades for signs of Florence Henderson. When not applying his face to the asphault, Ben enjoys flower arranging and dancing "like a crazed salamander" to the snappy beat of a Chopin polonaise. He biked all the way from Buttzville, NJ (and yes, that is a real town). He's also the first of the Fezeemis to have his fearsome visage featured on a Pez™ dispenser.
Driven by blind instinct and a large pickup truck, BvonB has relocated to the pacific northwest and is now covered with a half inch of lichen.
 

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